Parenting Through Trauma
Over the last year, every time Tena and I gathered with a group of parents, particularly mums, a repeating trend emerged - the underlying and unspoken trauma that accompanies the experience of new parenthood. Whether we were talking about the process of birth and bodily autonomy, intergenerational conflicts or sex and postpartum, the magnitude of the transitions was matched perhaps, only by the enormity of overwhelm. The assumption that parents were doing 'the most natural thing' and hence should somehow come up with the resources they needed on their own made the interpersonal and systemic shortcomings, justifiable and often, invisible. All this set against the backdrop of what was also one of life's most joyful and meaningful experience, further exacerbated the confusion and loneliness for new parents who often asked themselves - why am I finding this so hard?
So for our first expert series at the beginning of the year, we jumped into the deep end with clinical psychologist and perinatal psychotherapist Bakul Dua who helped us unpack what trauma was, how it impacted parenthood and what were some possible ways, we could cope and do better for each other.
-by Gauri Bhure Roy
You can find the whole webinar below.
In this edition of the newsletter, we bring you biggest takeaways from the webinar, resources for those parenting through trauma and a feminist reading list. Our next Equality Playdate is coming up in Bangalore so make sure to sign up!
Parenting Through Trauma Webinar Lessons
Trauma is an event that refuses to become a memory- trauma is any event or series of events that we are unable to move on from. It doesn’t have to be a one off experience of violence or abuse, it can be a consequence of living as a minority or living under oppression.
In parenting, trauma can manifest as parenting behaviours in misalignment with our values- you might want to be a present, patient parent, but parenting with trauma means you resort to yelling or physical violence.
Parenting is our commitment to future, and trauma is our anchor to the past- this can make it extremely difficult to be the kind of parent that you want to be without adequate support.
Spending time with small children can be full of triggers- yelling, loud noises, constant touching, all of these things can be very triggering to a parent dealing with trauma. It does not make you bad parent to feel like it’s all getting too much!
There is a lot of shame and pressure to be the one breaking the cycle- do not put unrealistic pressure on yourself to be the one to end generations of trauma. You are already doing so much!
Focus on doing instead of being- a lot of parents parenting through trauma focus on their to-do lists as a way of maintaining control and keeping their child safe, as opposed to feeling comfortable with just being. If this is you, know this is normal and you are not alone.
Hold a lot of compassion for all parts of yourself- it is not easy being compassionate with yourself when you feel like you are failing at being the kind of parent that you want to be. Know that you are worthy of your own understanding and compassion.
You will not damage your children- children are resilient. The fact that you are here, watching and reading this, means you are doing the work already. Parents who are not ready to look inwards injure their children in the long run.
For some mothers, self care means saying yes. For some, it means saying no.
Move your body often and with joy.
Resources for Navigating Trauma while Parenting
Written by: Bakul Dua
Evidence-based Modalities of Therapy for Trauma
Body-based
- Sensorimotor Therapy
- Somatic Experiencing
- Dance Movement Therapy
Making meaning
- Trauma focused Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
- Narrative Therapy
Integrating and healing different ‘parts’
- Internal family system Therapies
Attachment and reflective functioning
- Psychoanalysis
- Psychodynamic Therapy
- Mentalization-based therapy
Therapies focused on building coping skills
- Dialectical behaviour therapy
MH Orgs for trauma therapy in India
- Enfold
- NIMHANS
Books on Trauma
Becoming Safely Embodied – Diedre Fay
It Didn’t Start with You – Mark Wolynn
The Myth of Normal – Gabor Mate
No Bad Parts – Richard Schwartz
Waking the Tiger – Peter Levine
Books on children/ parenting
Parenting From the Inside Out – Daniel Segel
Love and Rage – The Inner worlds of children : Nupur Paiva
The Art of Mindful Parenting – Shelja Sen
The Whole Brain Child – Daniel Segel
The Magic Years - Selma Fraiberg
Websites
https://www.nctsn.org/
Feminist Reading List
Written by: Hamsini Ravi
Babies and Bylines by Pallavi Aiyar : A parenting memoir by an award-winning foreign correspondent who has lived in different parts of the world. I loved this one for its honesty and the way it lays out modern parenting conundrums in a feminist lens.
Desperately Seeking Shah Rukh: India’s Lonely Young Women and the Search for Intimacy and Independence by Shrayana Bhattacharya: An economist writes about the personal trajectories of a group of diverse women in north India, tracing their inner lives and their search for meaning and independence, as well as their fandom for Shah Rukh.
Bonus: Amit Varma’s podcast episode with the author Shrayana Bhattacharya who wrote the above book.
A People’s History of Heaven by Mathangi Subramanian: A novel about the lives of 5 young women in a slum in Bangalore. I found this book lyrical and uplifting.
Womaning in India by Mahima Vashisht: A newsletter about what it’s like to be a woman in India today. I like it for its intersectionality and that it is built on real women’s stories and that it captures the many shades of life of Indian women.
Bonus: Amit Varma’s podcast episode with author Mahima, a must-hear for anyone remotely interested in gender politics in India.
What’s a Lemon Squeezer Doing in my Vagina? A Memoir of Infertility by Rohini Rajagopal: A candid memoir written by the author’s struggle with infertility, is a raw exploration of a topic that’s shrouded in silence. Much more than just one’s person experience with infertility, this book is a personal-political exploration of women’s bodies and married lives.
Coming Up: Gender Equality Playdate
